For some time now I have been wandering a bit…. lost and searching for something. What do I want to do when I grow up?…even though I’m already grown.
I’m a woman, wife, mother, friend, daughter, and sister. But who do I want to be? For many years I had a career, and when I decided to stay home with my littles…the transition was difficult. I was scared I’d get lazy, but eventually being home became all I knew…my job and anything but lazy.
Supporting my kids through their younger years and first stages of elementary school was and is important and I made it my job to volunteer with the school. I wanted to be there to help with friends, homework and activities. I was fortunate enough to be able to do just that.
More than anything I got to know moms and dads…I put myself out there like I had never done before to attempt to build a community, a village, a family. I’m not sure why I did this…but I had a feeling it was necessary. Though I am a social person, I am not great at forming new relationships. I can talk to anyone for a little while, but making true friendships is hard for me.
Brene Brown says that you have to lean into the discomfort. I remember watching her and thinking that she had hit the jackpot. “Lean into the discomfort when you feel like dropping and running,” I would tell myself when something was outside my comfort zone…and slowly it has become my mantra as a person, a parent and a friend. “What our brain does not take into consideration is the need for discomfort and vulnerability in real relationship,” Brown says.
What I learn from these people I’ve met is everything. Community, friendship and honesty are precious and that has changed me. I’m a better friend now than I ever was before, and hopefully I will continue to be. I am also a better person, I’m sure of it because when you get to know lots of different people and see how they live and appreciate your differences it allows you to see possibilities.
So back to what I want to do when I grow up. I’m still not sure. Leaning into the discomfort I became a lifeguard and manager at the local high school pool 2 years ago. It was a way to make some money and try to start to reboot myself in the workplace. Taking the lifeguarding class was completely out of my comfort zone, with a group of teenagers and me in my “mom suit”. I held on for dear life and pushed myself to just keep putting one foot in front of the next. The position challenged my comfort zones but also allowed me to work with people and use my customer service skills which I excel at. I met so many people and kids and loved that part of the job.
I once again leaned into the discomfort, and took an IA position at the end of last year at my children’s school. I had never worked in the classroom before and though I help my own kids with their homework I wasn’t sure I was ready to do that for others. I grew a lot, but still didn’t feel it was where I was supposed to be.
So where am I supposed to be? Who knows…but what I do know is that I crave organization and simplicity and have tried to build that in our home and life. I long for a job or career or passion that might bring me joy while allowing me to also grow and be with my children. I keep having this feeling that I’m meant to do more, but I’m not sure what that is. I like to write, and I like to learn and so that is what I’m going to do and hopefully you will do it with me.
So …here goes. Let’s find that growth. To bloom into what we are meant to eventually be. To gain wisdom as we grow. I’m not sure what my greater purpose is, but I believe God is with me and if I’m searching, leaning into the discomfort of life and moving forward I might just be Blooming Wisdom.