I don’t want to hate everything, but sometimes I slip into the negative zone…and I do!
I want to be well adjusted, calm and peaceful. I want to be sure footed and steady. I want to be the elegant composed women that handles struggle with grace and dignity.
But the truth is, when the struggle is real I never feel that way.
Internally, I usually feel like a tornado when troubles strike. Swirling around in circles picking up anything and everything I can as fuel for why my situation is so miserable.
In the past I would demolish plans I had made like they were trailer homes in the open plains with absolutely nothing tethering them down to the earth.
I would cancel on people. I would cancel on myself. Mostly at these times I thought I was less like a tornado and more like a boat in a tumultuous sea. A boat with a hole in the bow…. taking on water faster than the bilge could pump in out, and throwing anything heavy that might expedite the sinking, over- board!
I get overwhelmed and my focus gets fuzzy. I have always had trouble keeping my eye on the goal. Though I have made progress over the years at weathering the storm and not becoming “a storm” myself, I still tend to find myself in a negative space where…I hate everything!
I know I’m not 4 years old…but there are these moments.
The moment when 1000 things are happening, and all the balls are in the air, and your child reminds you of the false promises you have been making lately.
“Mom, you said you would buy me new ballet shoes, it has been weeks.” Or “Mom, you promised you would make that really great smoothie again for me.”
Or when I look down at my children’s feet as they are walking out the door to realize they have no shoes that fit. I have forgotten to pay for an activity or even sign them up for the activity. Or the moment I realize that they have spent 2 hours in front of the tv and my heart sinks into bad mom zone.
Or when you realize your dog is filthy and the hair cut you decided to give him…personally (who needs a groomer) looks like a drunk Edward Scissorhands did it. The birds are even laughing at him!
All of a sudden, I hate being a parent, I hate every ball that I am juggling, but really… I hate myself.
I hate that I have allowed my life to be built on what feels like a failing foundation. Built in such a way that those balls that represent everything, aren’t being kept in nice tidy rows. Even worse those balls are dropping and Exploding …. like in the case of a morning meltdown by a certain little person.
Which while we are on the topic of things I hate…I hate spirit day at school…cause no matter how much damn spirit wear I buy, it never is right or clean when my kids need it. I will go ahead and throw in laundry…I hate it too…mostly putting it away.
I hate how my body feels when I don’t have the energy or time to workout. I hate the gurus (who really I love) who tell me that if it was really a priority and if I wanted it bad enough I would fit in the workout no matter what.
Sometimes all this little hate leads me back to the regulars on my hate list. The bigger stuff, like my job and house. I hate that I lack whatever I think I need in this moment that would have allowed me to not be in this moment.
I hate that I feel guilty about feeling this way. I hate that I feel hateful at all when there are children starving with no parents, people sick with disease and wars going on in the world.
This is about the time that the whirling of the winds slows and I find my breath. I find the place within me that reminds me everything is alright. I listen to the voice that I finally can hear…cause the storm has passed, that tells me I am going to be ok. That I am ok.
I lean into the discomfort and find hope in the knowledge that the only way things get better is to keep moving, to keep growing, to keep learning and to keep trying. I remind myself that the only way to help myself is to not hate myself. The only way to be good to others is to remember to be good to myself.
I remind myself…that we should never use the word Hate anyway. Sometimes I have to parent myself!
And I get in my car and continue on with my day!