I don’t want to hate everything, but sometimes I slip into the negative zone…and I do!

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I don’t want to hate everything, but sometimes I slip into the negative zone…and I do! 

I want to be well adjusted, calm and peaceful. I want to be sure footed and steady. I want to be the elegant composed women that handles struggle with grace and dignity. 

But the truth is, when the struggle is real I never feel that way. 

Internally, I usually feel like a tornado when troubles strike.  Swirling around in circles picking up anything and everything I can as fuel for why my situation is so miserable.  

In the past I would demolish plans I had made like they were trailer homes in the open plains with absolutely nothing tethering them down to the earth.  

I would cancel on people. I would cancel on myself. Mostly at these times I thought I was less like a tornado and more like a boat in a tumultuous sea. A boat with a hole in the bow…. taking on water faster than the bilge could pump in out, and throwing anything heavy that might expedite the sinking, over- board! 

I get overwhelmed and my focus gets fuzzy. I have always had trouble keeping my eye on the goal. Though I have made progress over the years at weathering the storm and not becoming “a storm” myself, I still tend to find myself in a negative space where…I hate everything! 

I know I’m not 4 years old…but there are these moments. 

The moment when 1000 things are happening, and all the balls are in the air, and your child reminds you of the false promises you have been making lately.  

“Mom, you said you would buy me new ballet shoes, it has been weeks.” Or “Mom, you promised you would make that really great smoothie again for me.”  

Or when I look down at my children’s feet as they are walking out the door to realize they have no shoes that fit. I have forgotten to pay for an activity or even sign them up for the activity. Or the moment I realize that they have spent 2 hours in front of the tv and my heart sinks into bad mom zone.  

Or when you realize your dog is filthy and the hair cut you decided to give him…personally (who needs a groomer) looks like a drunk Edward Scissorhands did it. The birds are even laughing at him! 

All of a sudden, I hate being a parent, I hate every ball that I am juggling, but really… I hate myself.  

I hate that I have allowed my life to be built on what feels like a failing foundation. Built in such a way that those balls that represent everything, aren’t being kept in nice tidy rows. Even worse those balls are dropping and Exploding …. like in the case of a morning meltdown by a certain little person.  

Which while we are on the topic of things I hate…I hate spirit day at school…cause no matter how much damn spirit wear I buy, it never is right or clean when my kids need it. I will go ahead and throw in laundry…I hate it too…mostly putting it away.  

I hate how my body feels when I don’t have the energy or time to workout. I hate the gurus (who really I love) who tell me that if it was really a priority and if I wanted it bad enough I would fit in the workout no matter what.  

Sometimes all this little hate leads me back to the regulars on my hate list. The bigger stuff, like my job and house. I hate that I lack whatever I think I need in this moment that would have allowed me to not be in this moment. 

You know? 

I hate that I feel guilty about feeling this way. I hate that I feel hateful at all when there are children starving with no parents, people sick with disease and wars going on in the world.   

This is about the time that the whirling of the winds slows and I find my breath. I find the place within me that reminds me everything is alright. I listen to the voice that I finally can hear…cause the storm has passed, that tells me I am going to be ok. That I am ok. 

I lean into the discomfort and find hope in the knowledge that the only way things get better is to keep moving, to keep growing, to keep learning and to keep trying. I remind myself that the only way to help myself is to not hate myself. The only way to be good to others is to remember to be good to myself. 

I remind myself…that we should never use the word Hate anyway. Sometimes I have to parent myself!  

And I get in my car and continue on with my day! 

Those Mornings…you know…those mornings? Visions for 2018…. Resilience

 

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Those mornings…..you know….those mornings that test you to your core? The ones that make you wonder…What the hell is happening?

I had one of those mornings…. this morning…and it is only 9:11am.

It’s amazing how much starting off a day wrong has the potential to send the whole rest of the day into a tailspin….Mayday Mayday!!!! We are going down!

Like most things in life seem to be, it is all in how you handle the “falling apart” of the morning as to whether you will have a chance to pull the day back on track and make the Lemonade! you know…out of the lemons.

But isn’t controlling the “falling apart” the worst? I mean…most of the time my lack of the control of the “falling apart” is exactly what gets me into more trouble. It is almost always my lack of patience in a time of struggle that sends my children into monster zone. If I had just slowed down and answered the question, or if I had just taken a deep breath and counted to 5 I might not have started yelling…which made the little one yell…and boom! Explosions, drama, struggle.

The guilt of not controlling the fall apart tends to eat at me sometimes. The saying “hindsight is 20/20” is absolutely true, and I have to imagine and hope that one day foresight could be at least 20/10 or 20/40.

Here’s the thing though, every day presents new challenges and uncovers new weaknesses. It is one thing being in a boat with one manageable leak…you can easily scoop the excess water from. But if your boat has 5 leaks, stuff starts to get real.

It all comes back to that resilience concept I think.

Merriam-Webster’s definintion:

Definition of resilience

1: the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress

2: an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change

re·sil·ience

How quickly can you adjust?

Boy oh boy…is this the course we should all have taken…people should be tested on this early on in their life, before the going gets too tough. Oh wait…we are! Every day of our lives we are registered, attending and being tested in this resilience course.

Some days I’m acing the course, or let’s be honest, I’ve never really been the overachiever straight A type…I am B+’s this course. But somedays, I completely forget to get up and even go to class. It is like I’m some hung over first year sitting at McDonalds eating a breakfast sandwich saying I’ll go to class tomorrow.

Here’s the nice thing about being registered and taking a course for your entire life…there is always class tomorrow. You can always try harder and you can always decide today is the day you are turning that C- into an A.

So this morning when I slept too late, I didn’t get up and get upset at myself or anyone else, I just took a deep breath and went a little faster. A+

When I woke up my children, though I wanted a few more minutes to get coffee in me first… so I could be awake but couldn’t because I got up late. I took a deep breath and rubbed their backs and said kind things. I did this even though in my head all I could hear was… hurry hurry hurry. A+ (not for the run-on sentence though…but gahhh)

When I realized I had no cereal, no eggs (hardboiled only…no one but me likes those), no granola bars, no quick pancakes or waffles…no time to make something from scratch. I took that deep breath and offered them left over Greek cookies they made with their Nana. A+

When I realized my hair looked crazy and I had no time to shower, I plugged in that flat iron and did what I could to look like a normal person. I multitasked the you know what out of it. A+

When I got the call from work that no one would be in today, and I should work from home. I smiled and enjoyed the possibility of a slowdown and no commute to work, even though I had been rushing all morning just for that commute. A+

When I went to grab all the things I put in the car for the morning commute that was no longer happening and dropped my coffee cup…cause who can carry 40 things at once and not drop something (don’t I always tell the children…make multiple trips). I hobbled into the house on one foot the other dripping with coffee and ask for help from my husband (who by the way was having his own morning…and is usually very helpful). We cleaned up the mess together, and moved on. A+++

During the “falling apart” there was no yelling this morning, no questioning the universe or humanity. I kept my Perspective, which is always available….look at World news. I didn’t make things worse freaking out during the “falling apart” I kept the boat afloat, I did pretty darn well this morning in my resilience course and maybe even made some lemonade with this post!

I think I might have turned this one around…at least today I did.

Not Anymore! Visions for 2018…The Move

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Ok…I have been away a while. Just noticed a message about this page in my inbox and realized…I need a little Wisdom right now. So maybe this is the time to get back in…to continue the search for the truth for my Blooming Wisdom.

In the past 3 months, since the new year, I have been attempting a life change. A major life change!

A house move!

Before the new year, I went through my calendar from 2017 and did some real soul searching. What worked? What didn’t work! What would I see myself enjoying and wanting to intentionally put on my schedule again. Certainly there are things we can’t choose in life, in the day to day grind, but quite a bit of time is filled with all of the extra things that we believe we must do, that maybe we don’t.

My word of the year is INTENTION, so this was really an important step to start my year off on the right track.

After going through my calendar, I decided to write a vision of where I would like to see myself in 2018. I also wrote what I would like to see in 10 years. Where would I be, what would I be doing….even what would I look like?

Many guru’s do things like this…but one of mine…Rachel Hollis The Chic Site @TheChicSite taught me this. https://thechicsite.com/

She says the more detailed you are in the vision the more real it becomes. The more detailed you are the more you can work toward it, the more you believe it will happen. What you write is something that you should think about regularly until you get to where you want to go.

Your vision is used as a beacon, not just a goal but a living concept that the more you believe to be real, the more real it can become.

This is hard….because I am busy. We are all so busy and spending this much time chasing after the future, sometimes can feel not only self-absorbed but also can often make me forget to live in the day.

But I tried it and one of the main items for my 2018 year that I envisioned was to move. It has been on my list for years, but we were finally in a place in life where this felt like the next big thing to tackle.

Moving can be exciting and scary all at the same time. We fell in love with a fixer upper. But after some negotiations it was taken off the market so that we could not buy it. We then sold our house before it even made it to market and made an offer on a new one, only for our buyers to walk away over inspection items. It has been maybe more scary than exciting.

The question is, when do you decide to pull the plug? When do you chaulk a movement or plan up to experience and cut the cord. I have spent months spouting idioms like “beggars can’t be choosers” while also assuring everyone that maybe this was “meant to be” or “the universe is telling me something”

But here’s the thing….there have been very real moments in my life I was sure God directly helped me. And in the case of my house sale and move, I have been looking to fall back on him, the universe and so forth. Attempting to find a reason for why something would or wouldn’t work out, as if I am a puppet in some show.

As if God doesn’t have better things to do, but to make me miss a flight because of a sick child or make a house deal fall through because of a future reason grounding me to where I am. As a parent, wouldn’t we rather just open a different door than to close one defensively for our child?

So why do I find myself pushing the outcome of my life consistently to my supreme being? My sister #mcjuliadegan on Insta recently told me that it was because I was supposed to be learning something….a lesson That might be very true and things have been learned. Things will continue to be learned. She also keeps asking me, “Are you Safe?” to remind me that I don’t have to fear what I am going through, it isn’t going to sink my ship, because ultimately if I believe I am safe, I will be able to negotiate the uncertain waters I am in.

But I still can’t shake the idea that I continually push the decision off to God. I chuck it up to the universe and somehow it makes me feel better, because I am essentially saying, I was not in control of this

Here’s the thing though, it is also an easy way to walk away from things when the going gets tough. If it was the will of God and the universe to not have me move, than I can walk away from my goal, one that I envisioned and planned and worked very hard for, because of divine intervention possibly invented by me.

So I am on a new truth mission within myself to determine what I have walked away from, given up on and dismissed with God as my excuse. Using the universe or my horoscope as some guide to why something didn’t work out. I am pretty sure that God would rather me not use him as my excuse out of my own fear.

How many dreams have I given up on because I chucked them up to the heavens and didn’t get the initial answer I wanted! Not anymore! Not anymore!

I will keep you posted on my MOVE date…. wink wink

Sunburst Mirrors – “Let a little sunshine in”

With Summer gone, a great way to brighten a home space is to add a mirror to it. What’s better than a sunburst mirror? These mirrors are timeless. They come in great materials and textures, and are a bold statement in any style room. Check out some of my picks for favorite sunburst mirrors I’ve found online.

Wooden-Starburst-Mirror Etsy JsparksCreations
Wooden-Starburst-Mirror Etsy JsparksCreations
Safavieh Royal Leaf Sunburst Wall Mirror $90.20 Hayneedle
Safavieh Royal Leaf Sunburst Wall Mirror $90.20 Hayneedle
Tielle Starburst Wall Mirror $393.80 All Modern
Tielle Starburst Wall Mirror $393.80 All Modern
Hardy Wall Mirror by House of Hampton $158.99 Wayfair
Hardy Wall Mirror by House of Hampton $158.99 Wayfair
Sunburst Wall Mirror by Darby Home Co $164.99 Wayfair
Sunburst Wall Mirror by Darby Home Co $164.99 Wayfair
Florence Mirror $199.00 Pottery Barn
Florence Mirror $199.00 Pottery Barn
Sunburst on the Scene Mirror $299.00 Wisteria
Sunburst on the Scene Mirror $299.00 Wisteria
Small Sunburst Mirror $35.99 Macys
Small Sunburst Mirror $35.99 Macys

 

Are you raising girls? Are you still raising you? Women…we need to read this and believe it

While I was setting up a twitter account for Blooming Wisdom the other day, I ran across this piece. Kudos to Mary Elizabeth Williams for speaking truth about women and what defines us. Her piece entitled Women: Stop apologizing for eating stirred an inner pot with me.

http://www.salon.com/2016/09/06/women-stop-apologizing-for-eating/

This piece dares to imply that many women barely eat while in public, and when they do…there is quite a bit of apologizing for it.

When I read this article…the first thing that came to mind was a late afternoon event I was recently at. I noticed a few women saying that they hadn’t eaten yet that day, as they started snacking on the appetizers that were provided.

My first instinct was to gasp…because oh my goodness…they must have been hungry? I don’t judge them, and in fact I envied them for a moment. I note that they are both gorgeous ladies with very trim figures.

I envy the self-control that it must take to only eat once a day or nibble a bit throughout.

The interesting thing is that many women do tend to apologize or explain away their eating. Pointing out to others as they eat…what they have or haven’t had yet that day. Making an excuse for getting something delicious or explaining why it is ok this time.

The author starts with an example of being out to lunch with a female executive who apologized away her choice to go with an entrée instead of her usual salad because she hadn’t eaten breakfast that morning.

How many times have we all heard or even said these words. Do we ever think about the impact these statements make…what they mean? Do we worry if they are in front of our children that we are setting a bad or at least a confusing example.

Isn’t everyone always saying breakfast is the most important meal of the day?

Mary Elizabeth Williams goes on to state, “Women, please, just order the entrée. You don’t need to explain it. You don’t need to apologize for it.”

There was a time many moons ago that I barely ate breakfast. I would love to say it had to do with my waistline, but it was really more to do with my inability to get out of bed as a young twenty something who needed to be to work on time, more than I needed to take good care of my body.

I won’t bother to list the other twenty something type things I did that weren’t great for my body or soul but I have grown and learned from them. I often look back at those years as wasted one’s…though they were fun.

At 24 stumbling through life with a sense of invincibility often drove many of us to throw caution to the wind and eat whatever we wanted or have that diet coke for breakfast and on and on.

The truth is, I still know I have it in me to make poor choices and I don’t judge those who haven’t switched from diet coke to coffee (because coffee of course is more grown up) in their 30’s and 40’s. Everything will kill us right?

But the idea that there are many women still barely eating to keep their figures, psyche and those around them in check is no pun intended….hard to swallow.

I’m not talking about a friend who orders an entrée and eats half and takes the rest home. This is self-control and moderation…which is great and I wish I had more of.

But I remember times where I knit picked every meal. I remember being an athlete in high school and doing a cabbage soup diet. I can’t imagine why I would have needed that now looking back, or how I didn’t realize how much more I needed as an athlete to be balanced and healthy.

I know what it sounds like when I myself would worry so much over a meal and what to get that I couldn’t even make a choice.

Going out to dinner can become debilitating. This behavior drags down those around you and also is a drain on your positive energy. Life is supposed to be fun too, and going out to eat with someone and having them be weird about their food isn’t fun.

I have known ladies over the years that put on such a façade to those around them about food…trying to put forward a version of themselves that isn’t realistic…and why?

We as women need to own are persons and stop apologizing about what we eat, and how we eat it. As the author says, “We’re all working through our lifetimes of baggage, as well as the incessant barrage of messages that a female has failed if she “doesn’t look like this anymore” –i.e., a 20- year-old photograph.”

I often wonder to myself if I just don’t have the internal energy to be that strict with myself…my eating…a diet. But I want to note that every time in my life I have been that minimal in one area, it wreaked havoc in others. Being hyper restrictive can have negative side effects because it isn’t balance. 

“And I want to say that when women are weird in public around food, they put other women in an awkward position. So I’m not playing. I’m not here to give you permission to order fries and I’m not going to co-sign on how fat we’re all going to get after eating this cheesecake. When you exclaim dramatically that you couldn’t possibly eat that whole entrée, I am not going to applaud your restraint. I. Don’t. Care. I am grown-up lady who can make decisions about what to cook and what to order and I’d like to assume you are, too. And being at a table together with other women shouldn’t ever be anything to say you’re sorry about.” Mary Elizabeth Williams

I don’t want my girls being raised worrying about their bodies. I don’t want them to hear me picking over my outfit because I feel I look fat or ugly. I try so hard to keep that from them, and to walk out in to the world with my head held high regardless of how I feel inside. 

I hope to give them good habits that work for them throughout their lives, so that they won’t even need to think about it. Hopes and dreams….right?

There will be a day or many they look in the mirror and wonder if they could be better…but I hope restriction just as much as excess… aren’t the first places they turn to re-fill their hearts and souls.

Distraction and Resilience

As a child I felt distracted. It seemed a constant in my life. My mom would use the word “bright” when talking about my abilities, but I would start something, get bored and move to something else. But was I bored or was I distracted?

When I got a little older, I remember conversations with my folks about getting distracted. It usually involved trying to stay focused on figure skating training or school work. They would try to help me from getting focused on other things that as my mom would say “derailed me”.

I wasn’t ADD and it wasn’t that I couldn’t sit and focus on something that really interested me, I just wouldn’t always. I tended to let my surroundings dictate my mood, my ability to feel comfortable and my ability to get things accomplished.

Competitive figure skating helped focus my free wondering mind and body.  I am a second child, a dreamer, emotional and as a child was what many would call “a free spirit”. My drive for achieving excellence was usually thwarted for my want to have fun.

In high school I remember a conversation with my father about my path. It was in regards to some insignificant drama in my life at the time. He described life as a path.  In my mind the path is raised on an incline and the sides have grass on it. It tapers off down to a tree line on both sides.

My dad described life as going along this path and constantly having someone or something come up and try to knock you off it. He talked a lot about not letting that happen. Fighting to stay on the path and not get knocked off to begin with. Because it took strength, energy and time to work to get back on the path and keep moving forward.

My father was letting me know that I let people and things push me off my path. He talked about how much happier I would be if I didn’t let every little thing, statement, look from another person, comment, and emotionality push me off my path.

Needless to say….this advice and conversation has obviously stuck with me…but maybe not surprisingly…I still feel like I let things push me off my path. After my free spirited personality turned to a more serious one from elementary school to early college…and childhood day dreams turned to focused intention, I still always had trouble with distraction.

When I say distraction, I literally think of it as a choice conscience or un-conscience to go a different direction, throw caution to the wind, decide to do that chore tomorrow, or just focus on something other than what the original plan was…..and so on.

The problem with this is that when you are aware you are letting life get in your way, and your goal is to not let it happen, you start to have self-doubt. You might start to feel like you are failing. The very label that something you do is wrong, and that you are constantly fighting to not let it happen…makes failure crippling. Owning something or letting it become a part of who you are, can be easier.

But here is the deal…regardless of all of that these distractions still get the best of me a large portion of the time. I always thought that not being pushed off the path was about cutting out extra things that could become a distraction…because saying no for me is pretty hard.

I finally carved 1 hour out to write this and during that hour I answered 2 calls, both from family that ended up taking ½ hour of my hour time. I could have not answered…but I did.

I could have said to the callers, “I’m in the middle of something, let me call you back,” but then the conversation is left for another time and there is never enough time.

Maybe the answer is not that you can keep yourself from getting knocked off that path….but how quickly can you get back up on it. Resilience!

Resilience

play

noun re·sil·ience \ri-ˈzil-yən(t)s\

Simple Definition of resilience

: the ability to become strong, healthy, or successful again after something bad happens

: the ability of something to return to its original shape after it has been pulled, stretched, pressed, bent, etc.

Source: Merriam-Webster’s Learner’s Dictionary

 

Resilience was my word of the year 2 years ago. Instead of picking a new year’s resolution…I pick a word. That word you use as beacon to help you grow that year. Let me tell you…I needed this word 2 years ago…and I may even use it as my word again in the future.

Psychology Today states that, “Resilience is that ineffable quality that allows some people to be knocked down by life and come back stronger than ever. Rather than letting failure overcome them and drain their resolve, they find a way to rise from the ashes. Psychologists have identified some of the factors that make someone resilient, among them a positive attitude, optimism, the ability to regulate emotions, and the ability to see failure as a form of helpful feedback. Even after misfortune, resilient people are blessed with such an outlook that they are able to change course and soldier on.” https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/resilience

Distractions are constant and can’t be controlled…but how you react to them is really what it is all about.  My dad was right that life is like a path and things are constantly trying to knock you off. But where I was wrong as a young person and have slowly started learning is that resilience gets you back on that path. How resilient you are, is probably more than anything the determining factor for success.

American Psychological Association says that, “Resilience is not a trait that people either have or do not have. It involves behaviors, thoughts and actions that can be learned and developed in anyone.”  There are factors that can be associated with being resilient:

 

  • The capacity to make realistic plans and take steps to carry them out.
  • A positive view of yourself and confidence in your strengths and abilities.
  • Skills in communication and problem solving.
  • The capacity to manage strong feelings and impulses.

All of these are factors that people can develop in themselves.

 

So my goal for the future is to work less on feeling bad that I let something knock me off my path. Instead, I am going to increasingly focus on how to be resilient in getting back on that path as fast as possible.

Check out the American Psychological Association’s website for tips on how to become more resilient…

http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/road-resilience.aspx

Fall Clothes for YOU….forget the kids!

So….I’ve spent some money already for new clothes for my kids for the start of the school year. I never usually have to buy a whole new wardrobe for them for back to school, partly because it still feels like summer outside…and those clothes still fit and look nice….and when you have two girls the second one always has an abundance of hand me downs waiting to be worn.

But really the truth is…I just can’t justify it. I try to shop some good deals and sales and buy neccessities and fill in the blanks as needed. Maybe if I had more money I would do it differenlty.

So here is the thing, I usually neglect myself as most mom’s do. I tend to have trouble justifying too many new clothes for myself each season, even when I want or down right need them. Have you ever waited till infinity to pull the trigger on that new BRA you need? Who wants to spend that kinda money on a BRA?

But…I do like to shop, look and stay current with style…even if I don’t always reflect it : ).

Here are some recent finds from Target that I just couldn’t help but swoon over. Plus…it’s Target so…I have a feeling I can justify a few of these to start off my 2016 fall wardrobe. Let me know whatcha think!

Pink Women's Tie Blouse - Who What Wear TARGET $24.99
Pink Women’s Tie Blouse – Who What Wear TARGET $24.99

Women's Bird Print Blouse - Isani for TARGET $16.48
Women’s Bird Print Blouse – Isani for TARGET $16.48

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When Back to School Isn’t Happy….it’s Sad!

back to school chalk board

Summer break is drawing to a close, and kids are getting back to school. We all see so many of the happy pictures of our friend’s kids standing outside with their signs that show what grade they are going into.

 

Happy faces as they get on the bus or are dropped off at school. Pictures of kids as they get off the bus at the end of their first day at school….with happy dazed faces shining brightly.
But my good friend brought up an excellent point today. What if your child isn’t happy? See….my friend’s child isn’t starting off the year happy about her teacher and the friends she is going to spend time with in class.

 

Many of her closest friends were all placed into one teacher’s classroom as she entered a different classroom. She does have a close friend with her, but she was so hoping to be in the other class that happened to also be Harry Potter themed. Her class has no theme and lots of boys. UGG!
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I’m Completely Frazzled!

woman un-frazzled

Deep Breaths… Deep Breaths…

So I’m completely frazzled! Do you ever get completely frazzled?

To make it worse, when I look at other people they seem to have it all together. I look around and my glazed frazzled eyes see pulled together people, with clean houses, organized living spaces and energy that doesn’t quit.

Which is why when things hit the fan, it is a hard on two levels. (more…)

Here Goes… I’m Starting A Blog

starting-a-blog

For some time now I have been wandering a bit…. lost and searching for something. What do I want to do when I grow up?…even though I’m already grown.

I’m a woman, wife, mother, friend, daughter, and sister. But who do I want to be? For many years I had a career, and when I decided to stay home with my littles…the transition was difficult. I was scared I’d get lazy, but eventually being home became all I knew…my job and anything but lazy.

Supporting my kids through their younger years and first stages of elementary school was and is important and I made it my job to volunteer with the school. I wanted to be there to help with friends, homework and activities. I was fortunate enough to be able to do just that. (more…)